Behind the Mask
by dream-eater-is-hungry
Summary: COMPLETE! Goku always longed to tell Sanzo how he feels. Suddenly, a battle with Kougaiji leaves Sanzo on the brink of death. Can Goku tell him how he feels before it's too late? Chap3: See how Sanzo apologizes to Goku...ü yaoi: lemonish SanzoxGoku
1. Accident

Instrument of Love  
By: dream_eater_is_hungry  
  
"Sanzo! Sanzo!" Goku cried, tears streaming down his cheeks. He held the injured monk close to him.  
  
"Baka saru..." Sanzo muttered. He coughed and winced as pain shot through his body.  
  
"It's all, my fault..." Goku thought grimly, "I wasn't able to protect him. If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be hurt."  
  
It was raining again that night. Unfortunately, Kougaiji chose that night, of all the nights, to attempt to steal Sanzo's sutra, again. It was a heated battle, but Kougaiji wanting to finish the fight as quickly as possible, summoned Engokuki(*). Goku, on the other hand, was dumbfounded and was unable to move. Instinctively, Sanzo ran to shield Goku, leaving him badly injured.  
  
Goku cursed himself. "I won't let you die, Sanzo, never!" he exclaimed.  
  
"Baka, I won't die, especially not like this!" Sanzo muttered. "Damn the rain" he thought as the rain continued to pour. He continued losing blood because of all his wounds. Suddenly, his vision began to blur.  
  
"Sanzo..." Goku panicked as Sanzo began to drift away.  
  
"Shut up saru..." Sanzo whispered in a hoarse voice. Sazno struggled to stay conscious but his body had betrayed his mind.  
  
~ o0o ~  
  
Goku sat by Sanzo's bed, keeping a watchful eye. "Sanzo, please... please wake up..." Goku prayed, "don't die..."  
  
"Don't worry, Goku" a voice came from the door, "he won't die. He's been through worse. You should worry about yourself, Goku you haven't eaten anything since last night"  
  
"Its okay, Hakkai," Goku reassured him, "I'll be fine..."  
  
The green-eyed man took a seat at the stool beside the saru.  
  
"Hakkai," Goku whispered, "do you think Sanzo will forgive me?"  
  
"Forgive you for what?" Hakkai asked, curious to know what was going on the boy's mind  
  
"For being nothing but an idiotic saru, who can't even defend himself..." he replied.  
  
"That's not true, Goku..." Hakkai answered, "you're not idiotic..." But he was cut off by Goku.  
  
"Really?" he asked, "then why wasn't I able to block off Engokuki, why wasn't I able to beat Kougaiji, why wasn't I able to protect the one I love..."  
  
Goku stopped short, realizing that he had said too much. Hakkai didn't know how to react and just stared at the young boy.  
  
"Goku," Hakkai whispered when he finally found his voice. He never knew of Goku's affection for Sanzo. Sure, he would be nice and kind to Sanzo but Hakkai never thought of it as a sign of love. He only thought of it as a gesture of respect to his owner. Goku must have been very careful in hiding his true emotions for he didn't even suspect it, not one bit. Hakkai stole a glance at the chocolate-haired boy a few feet away from him. He was looking down, apparently ashamed of what he had just said. Hakkai stood up and hugged to young boy close to him.  
  
"It's okay, Goku," Hakkai comforted, "you have nothing to be ashamed of. You should never be ashamed of how you really feel. If you love him, Goku, I have nothing against it."  
  
"Sure, you don't," he answered, "but Sanzo does."  
  
"Do you know, or do you only think so?" Hakkai asked.  
  
"I don't need to ask just to know how he really feels about me," Goku answered grimly, "it's obvious that he hates me. Just my mere existence, just the fact that I'm alive is enough for him to hate me. After all, am I not only a saru who can't think for himself? Who can't do anything right? Who is useless except for eating? All I really been, is a nuisance to you guys."  
  
Hakkai was slightly taken aback by all this. He never thought Goku would think like this. He always saw Goku as someone who was cheerful and fun loving. But it looks like he was wrong.  
  
~ o0o ~  
Sanzo had finally regained consciousness, just in time to hear the entire conversation between Goku and Hakkai. He had almost choked when he heard Goku say the words: the one I love. He never thought Goku would love him, after all the hardships he had placed the saru through. Although in fact, he also loved Goku. But he didn't want anyone to take the pleasure in knowing he was in love with the kid so he hid it all from the world. He didn't want anyone to think that he, a high respectable monk, would fall for a baka saru. So he denied of ever feeling something special for the kid and substituted the love he wanted to give Goku, with his "tortures".  
  
But whenever he would see those chocolate locks, those lush lips begging to be devoured, and his irresistible golden puppy dog eyes, he would feel warm inside, the same warmth that he loved, and yet, hated. Why? You ask. Maybe because it was the same warmth that he missed, the same warmth that he felt around his Master, except this was different. This was...better.  
  
"Goku, staying here won't help..." He heard Hakkai whisper, "you must be tired, have some rest."  
  
"But what about Sanzo...?" Goku's voice trailed off. Even though he was facing the wall, he can feel Goku's golden eyes intently watching him.  
  
"Don't worry, I'll watch him..."Hakkai assured him, "I'll call you when he's awake."  
  
After Goku had reluctantly left, Hakkai turned his attention back to Sanzo.  
  
Silence.  
  
"You heard everything right?"  
  
"Do you think I wouldn't be bothered by your loud conversation?" Sanzo asked coldly.  
  
"Aren't you at all moved or at least touched or something?" Hakkai asked irritably.  
  
"Ch"  
  
But behind that cold response was a sensitive man, longing to be loved. His heart longing to be touched, longing to be melted from its icy confines.  
  
*Engokuki is a monster/creature summoned from the Infernal Land. 


	2. Mistake

Mistake

By: dream_eater_is_hungry

"Goku..." Sanzo thought as he lay awake, that night, unable to sleep.

/ "Aren't you at all moved or at least touched or something?"/

Hakkai's words earlier that day came back to him. Sanzo sighed. Right at that moment, he wanted to tell Hakkai, that more than anything in the world; he would want the saru right by his side. He wanted to feel the loving warmth that always seems to soothe away his pain, his troubles away; the warmth that he feels when he is around the boy. It's weird. He is a high-respectable monk, who is worshiped and admired by all. He can have anything he wants with just a snap of his fingers, yet, no one was able to really give him what he wanted the most. Love.

Sanzo closed his eyes. "Only Goku was able to make me feel like this, "he thought, "loved and cared for..."

Having nothing else to do, Sanzo got up from the bed and headed out the door. He quietly crept up Goku's room and entered the sleeping boy's room. Goku looked peaceful and innocent in his sleep, curled up like a cat, with the moon shining through the window, highlighting the boy's delicate features.

"So much like an angel..." Sanzo murmured. He silently walked towards the unmoving figure and sat by his bed. He lightly traced his hand, brushing away some stray locks that covered his face.

"Sanzo..." the young boy murmured in his slumber.

"If only...," Sanzo whispered, "if only have the courage to tell you...then I would have told you by now... that I loved you..."

Slowly, Sanzo leaned towards the boy, using his hands on either side of Goku for support. Sanzo brushed his lips against Goku's, sending a cold shiver down his spine. Yielding to temptation, he brought his lips to Goku's and devoured the young boy into his mouth. The kiss was soft and sweet yet, passionate and filled with desire. Sanzo pulled away, savoring their kiss, rather, his kiss. "I'm sorry Goku..." he whispered, "I know that you might have not wanted that. Trust me, I didn't want it to be this way either, but that may have been the only chance I had...

~ o0o ~

Sunlight streamed through the window, waking Sanzo up from his peaceful slumber. He opened his eyes, cursing the sun for being too bright.

"Sanzo..." a voice beside him groaned.

"What am I doing here...in Goku's room?" Sanzo asked himself. "Oh yeah..." he recalled, "I went here to check on Goku last night...I must've fallen asleep..."

He groggily walked out the boy's room and headed to his room. After a nice refreshing shower, he then headed to the restaurant in the inn. When he got there, he was surprised to find Hakkai and Gojyo already there. Usually, he would be the first one to wake up as he was trained to be up at the crack of dawn. But what was really usually was that both of them were wearing lopsided, not to mention, foolish grins.

Sanzo narrowed his eyes, as he took a seat at the table.

"Hey Sanzo," Gojyo greeted, "so I heard you were doing better..."

"What do you care about my health, ero kappa" Sanzo merely replied.

"So anyway, Sanzo," Hakkai replied, changing the subject, "Congratulations!"

Sanzo raised his eyebrow in suspicion. "Congratulations for what?" he replied.

Both of them blinked. Didn't Sanzo know what they were talking about?

"Congratulations for getting laid, of course!" Gojyo exclaimed.

"La...laid?" Sanzo gritted in response, his vein twitching in annoyance.

"Yeah, when Hakkai went to check on you this morning, you weren't in your bedroom," Gojyo explained cheerfully, "then when Hakkai went to check on Goku, he saw you sleeping with the saru! Man, Sanzo, I never thought you were into the saru!"

Sanzo blushed upon this realization. He didn't know what to say. He had been found out. What should he do? What would his cold, fake self do?

"I do not..." he whispered, his voice getting louder with each word, "I do NOT, I repeat, I do NOT love that stupid saru who thinks about nothing but food!" Sanzo panted, trying to catch his breath.

"There! That should teach them..." he thought triumphantly.

Suddenly, the threesome heard a gasp from behind them; an all too familiar gasp. Goku was standing there behind them, dumbstruck, tears welling up in his golden eyes.

"Goku, I..." Sazo started as he got up to comfort the saru. Just as he was about to place his hand onto the saru's head, Goku suddenly pushed it away and ran back upstairs, leaving Sanzo and the others.

TBC


	3. Baka Saru

Baka Saru

By: dream_eater_is_hungry

It seemed that time stopped at that very moment. Goku stood still as he heard his sun utter those words that pierced his heart, a gasp escaping his lips.

/"I do NOT, I repeat, I do NOT love that stupid saru who thinks about nothing but food!"/

Those words stung him like hell. "No...this is just a dream, "Goku thought, painfully, "this is not real...Sanzo would never say such things..."

But no matter how much Goku tried to disillusion himself with lies, there's no denying of what he had just heard.

Tears had already welled up in his eyes, but he refused to let them see him cry. Sanzo walked towards him and tried to comfort him. "Too late Sanzo," Goku thought grimly as he smacked aside Sanzo's hand which the monk intended to place on his head, "what is done is already done; nothing you do will change anything..." With nothing else to do, he spun round and ran. He did not care where his feet lead him as long as it's far away from them. Far away from Sanzo.

He ran to his room and threw himself to the bed, sobbing. After a few minutes his sobs subsided and he had curled himself into a ball, a position that always seemed to pacify and offer comfort to him.

"Goku..." someone whispered behind him.

Goku did not have to turn to know who had spoken to him. It was all too obvious who it was. "Leave me alone..." Goku choked, "Please...just leave me alone Sanzo..."

Sanzo did not reply. Instead he walked towards the boy's bed and lay down with him, snaking his arms around the boy's waist, bringing him closer.

/If I could touch you, I'd heal your broken heart,

If I could hold you in my arms, I'd call the soft breeze to caress,

Your weary arms, I'd call the moonbeam to dispel,

This darkest night, if I could touch you, I would..."

"Sanzo...what the..." Goku half-whispered in alarm.

"Shh..." Sanzo whispered, nuzzling his head into the boy's chocolate locks.

Goku readily complied; after all, this is what he wanted. This is what he had wished for, for a very long time now, even though he knew it was next to impossible. Yet, he still kept on wishing and hoping.

~ o0o ~

Sanzo held the boy tight, hoping that this little gesture can at least offer some comfort after what he had just said. To tell you the truth, Sanzo didn't mean to say that at all. He really just wanted to save himself the humiliation from Hakkai and Gojyo. But the words seemed to slip out so easily form his mouth that he did not know what he had said until it was too late. "I know how you feel, Goku" Sanzo thought, "even without you saying it... you know I'm not really very good with words, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say by doing this Goku..."

/If I could hear you, your words of anguish

If you'll just whisper in my ear, the sadness weighing down you heart,

That no man sees, if you just call me, I would sing, of flaming hope, if I could hear you, I would/

"I hope you understand that I'm tryng to say...I love you, Goku..." Sanzo said, accidentally voicing out his thoughts.

~ o0o ~

Goku closed his eyes, wishing that this moment can last forever. His eyes snapped opened when he heard Sanzo whisper the three words that he wished to hear for so long. /I love first, he felt happy for his wish had finally come true, but within minutes, this happiness turned to angst.

Goku turned around to face Sanzo. "You don't mean that..." Goku whispered, looking down, avoiding Sanzo's piercing stare. "You just wanted to make me feel better...you don't really mean that...," Goku said, his voice getting louder with each word.

He was caught by surprise when he felt a slender hand cupping his cheek. When he looked up to meet the monk's gaze, Sanzo took this opportunity to press his lips against Goku's. Goku's eyes widened in surprise. He hadn't expected this. But he didn't care anymore and had succumbed to his body's lustful desires.

When Sanzo noticed that Goku had yielded, he began lightly nipping at the younger boy's lower lip, hoping to gain entrance to the world where had had wished to enter for so long. Soon, their tongues met and both were fighting for dominance.

Sanzo's hand had wandered from Goku's waist to the chocolate-haired boy's back, caressing as much skin as he can. Sanzo had now only realized that Goku had pulled down his robes to reveal his rather sexy leather top.

Sanzo smirked. "Did I give you permission to undress me?" he asked with a playful tone.

Goku took a minute to decipher what was going on, but as he soon figured it out, he smiled and played along. "No sensei," he said in his most innocent voice, "I think I need to be taught who's in charge..."

"Oh?" Sanzo said, raising his eyebrow in mock question, "I think that can be arranged..."

~ o0o ~

Sanzo had lay exhausted in bed, with an equally exhausted Goku beside him. Only their sound of heavy panting can be heard as they lay there, covered in sweat, the bed sheets and their clothes strewn all around the room.

"Ne, Sanzo..." Goku said, breaking the silence, "did you really mean what you said?"

Sanzo looked at him I question.

"I mean, when you said, I love you?" Goku continued as he stared at the ceiling.

Sanzo sat up and lightly kissed him on the forehead. "Baka saru..." he whispered, playfully.

Goku grinned. "I guess that means a yes, right?" the boy inquired.

Sanzo lay back down and snuggled against Goku who now lay on his side. He sighed. "you'll always be a baka saru...," he whispered, "but you're my baka saru...mine alone..."

End.


End file.
